Where does the time go...?

Has it really been 6 months? Apparently so.

When i was in rehab back in May I remember when my counselor first brought up the idea of me going into a Halfway House. My immedaite response was "I don't think so". To me, a Halfway House was a place for crazy people. When I was in college my dorm was right across the street from a Halfway House and it was filled with some real crazy people. One lady literally stood in the center of her kitchen and spun in circles for hours upon end. I have video footage to prove it.

So you'll have to understand that when I hear that I am going to be going to a Halfway House I was a little worried. Especially when I'm being told I'll be living there for 6 months. But after sleeping on it one night and talking to my family I agreed the very next day to go through with it.

And what a journey it's been. Obviously I'm very glad I went through with it. The first 2 months were amazing. I met a lot of great new people, some of which I feel could be friends for life. But after those first 2 months things changed. A LOT. But I'm not really going to get into that right now. I've promised myself I won't bad mouth this house until after I leave. What I will say is that when a new company took over back in July things went downhill really fast.

So next week is a new beginning for me. I'm moving back into my condo except I won't be living alone anymore. Which is for the better. I not only have one room mate lined up to move in next week but another roomie moving in shortly after.

I plan to continue going to meetings, obviously. 4-5 a week at least. While living here I had to attend a meeting every day. Coupled with work and a house group every day this came to be very taxing after awhile. My schedule was as follows. Wake up, work, dinner, House Group, meeting, chore, bed. That was my routine for 5 months. And I had no problem with it what so ever. I like going to meetings because 90% of the time I get something out of it. Sure there are days when you just feel plain sick and a meeting is the last thing you want to do, but tough nuts you gotta do it.

The only thing i had a problem with was the House Group.

Wow, talk about the biggest pain ever. It will be one of the first things I blog about once I get out of here. It amazes me that an hour and a half long group can literally almost drive me insane. Last i checked the group was supposed to help you in recovery! So obviously they must be doing something wrong if the only thing running through my mind as I count down the minutes til it ends is "Can't wait til this is over so I can go to a meeting and learn something HELPFUL"

But that is for another time. A few more days here and my time will have come to an end. I got here during the summer in 100 degree weather and am leaving now in the freezing cold.

Where does the time go...?

Update in the World of Sean

I really wish I could post as much as I want to I just don't have the time. I have more access to a computer these days but ironically the moments where I really need to express myself are usually those few moments while Im laying in bed. Reflecting on the day and such.

As you probably DIDN'T notice, the blog title has changed to Above the Influence. My buddy JC came up with the idea. At first it was going to be a temporary change until I came up with something different but the more I see it the more I like it. Plus it's pretty fitting, no?

So yesterday I completed Step 3 of 12 in the program so I'm pretty proud right now. Step 4 is gonna be a bit more difficult but I am definitely up for the work.

My time here at this Sober House will be coming to an end in the not to distant future. While I will miss it a part of me is really glad. When I first got here we were all one big happy family for the most part. most of us all got along and the program here was run a lot differently. But new people took over and changed everything and nothing has been the same since. When I used to look forward to getting off work and coming home to hang with my friends here has now turned into just dreading it. There are some people here i still get along with but the majority make me want to rip out my hair.

The one constant thought running through my mind whenever I'm at home is "Oh please god just shut the fuck up". I used to want children but this experience has tainted those dreams. Living with 20 people who act like they are 5 (ironically they are all older than I am) eventually takes its toll. Luckily Im stronger than I used to be and can handle these situations.

Damn, I was getting in the groove there but now Im getting kicked off the computer. Im gonna try and post more frequently since I always have something to get off my chest by my computer restrictions keep me from doing so. Blah.

Til the next episode...

New Blog Name

Im looking for ideas for a new title for my blog. "Under the Influence" is obviously not really appropriate anymore given my circumstances. Though i did really like it. Heh...

So throw some ideas this ways and we'll see what we come up with.

Celebration

Last night was a pretty cool night. My sponsor celebrated one year of sobriety and it really got me to thinking.

This whole program is about me bettering myself. I have to look out for Sean. Its been a rough road but every day just feels better and better. I said a few weeks ago in a meeting that what I really want out of the program is to get my life back together. While this is true I realized that thats not all I want.

I want my life back, and more.

They way I feel now is like nothing I have ever experienced. My head is clear. I feel alive for the fist time in over a decade. Am I going to miss drinking? Hell yes. It was nice to kick back and relax after a stressful day and have a few drinks. But I CANT have a few drinks. Its absolutely impossible for me to control it. Theres a famous saying we have in recovery. ¨One is too many and 1000 is never enough¨

Truer words have never been spoken.

I am not a normal person. I hate referring to it as a disease but it is. I cant drink like normal people. I cant drink to have fun. I can only drink to get drunk. Every time. If I dont have any alcohol whatsoever I am completely fine. But if I have a breakdown and take just one little drink then that is it. My downfall. And theres no coming back from it.

At least I understand this. Most people out there dont. There are very few people I have met in the program who are doing it for the first time like I have. Many have relapsed in the past and have been doing this off and on for years. I dont want that to be me. Im in it for the long run. And there are several reasons.

First and foremost I am doing this for myself. I have to. That is in no ways a means of sounding selfish, its just fact. If I cant get ME together, then whats the point?

Secondly, and this is constantly going through my mind, is letting down everyone that I have already let down once before. I cant change my past. I cant take back all the fuck ups I did. Alcohol turned me into a waste of life. No longer was I a productive member of society. I was a piece of shit wasting away my days feeling sorry for myself because I had been taken over by this demon that was trying so hard to kill me ever so slowly every day.

No normal human being would continue to do something OVER AND OVER that was obviously destroying the very fiber of their being, if they didnt have a problem. We just cant stop. Just a mere 4 months ago you wouldnt have been able to get me to admit any of this. But look where we are right now. My life has mostly been an open book when it comes to blogging, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Im not shy about it. So I have made it my business to do the same for sobriety. Im not embarrassed. Because Im trying to make up for all I have done wrong.

If I take that drink then I lose. Everything I have worked so hard for will go right down the drain. And I dont want to sound like people would be EXPECTING me to fail, but thats how I sometimes feel in my mind. Im doing this for me, but also for all my loved one. My friends and family who have been there to support me even though I didnt really feel that I deserved it. I cannot. No WILL NOT fail in their eyes.

Im sick of being weak. I want control. I have a ridiculous amount of potential that was being pushed off to the side to make room for alcohol. All this potential is going to be unleashed onto the world. I fear for you all!

Just kidding.

But I digress. All these thoughts poured out last night at my sponsors celebration. Seeing him receive his one year chip, all the friends and family there for support, was just awesome. It made me think about how I cant wait for my one year celebration, 8 months from now.

Ive met some amazing people in recovery. Some of which I hope will be friends for life.

Crap, gotta cut this short, could have gone of for pages but time to leave work!

Til the next episode...

The ¨Nooooo¨ heard round the world...

As someone who is well known for taking a particular interest in The Star Wars Saga, it´s no surprise that when any sort of Star Wars news pops up I am slammed with a barrage of questions. Obviously the big news is that, finally, the complete saga is coming to Blu Ray tomorrow and who wouldn´t be stoked about that?!

Well apparently a lot of people.



Yes George has yet again altered the films and holy shit are fans pissed. No matter what I say about these changes people are just going to throw it in my face, say I´m not a real fan, that Im just sticking up for Lucas, and blah blah blah. So what I am going to do is just lay it out there. I dont care if you dont like the changes. This is my opinion. If it bothers you, oh well.

I consider myself a die hard fan. I know 10 times more about the movies than 90% of the people that say it in theaters before I was even born so I i have pretty good grasp on the subject. So lets start with the big one first. Lucas added in Vader´s infamous ¨Noooooo¨ to the end of Return of the Jedi. Now I have watched this clip a thousand times over and it really doesnt bother me. This wont surprise most people because they believe that I will like Star Wars no matter what is done to it. Which is a complete load.

Did Lucas need to add the Nooo? No he didnt. Do I know why he did? Yeah I think I have a pretty good idea. After listening to Jimmy Mac on The ForceCast he basically said almost everything that I had been thinking. So lets break it down shall we?

Fist of all Vader says No twice. First very low and slow, then the loud crazy one. I REALLY dig the first one. As hes slowly coming to the realization of whats happening. To me, in the original him just standing there in silence felt a bit awkward to me. But i still loved it cause it made you wonder what exactly was going through his head. Now he just flat out screams in rage.

But why?

Prepare for geek overload. The moment Anakin Skywalker truly dies is when Palpatine basically tells him that he has killed the one person he loved most in the galaxy. Anakin Skywalkers last words were literally ¨Noooo¨. This is where Anakin dies and Vader lives. Flash forward to Jedi and we have Palpatine lighting up Lukeś ass as Vader watches. Heres Luke, Vaders own son and probably the ONLY connection between him and the only woman he ever loved, dying right in front of him. When he starts saying NO this is the hints of Anakin truly coming back. Thats why the words have such significance. Lucas didnt just throw it in for shits and giggles. It has purpose. It has meaning. So just think about it.

There are a lot of haters out there when it comes to Lucas and Star Wars. You know, for something you say you love so much you sure do fucking bitch and moan a lot about it. How much does these changes affect you, really? And I mean REALLY? Is it enough to lose sleep over?

-Ewoks now blink? So you mean they now dont look like possesed stuffed animals? Ok thats fine with me.

-Lightsabers have been refined? Wait, so in A New Hope when Kenobi moves his lightsaber slightly to the left Im not going be able to briefly see the crappy rod Alec Guinness is actually holding? Well damn. Most people probably dont even know what Im talking about.

-They added a Dug into Jabbas Palace? Ive honestly read in the past ¨Dont u think its funny that theres all these new species of aliens in the prequel films that we never see in the original films? Why is that?¨ So when Lucas does something about it by adding a Dug into the mix people flip out on him for building continuity. How DARE he!

This is what it all boils down to. Most people hate because they are looking for an excuse to be angry. People fear change. Always have and always will. Do any of these changes really bother you that much? Is it honestly the end of the fucking world like people make it up to believe?

In my eyes, no. And you know what, when the movies come out on Blu Ray I am going to sit down and enjoy every moment of them in HIGH DEF, with amazing surround sound and picture. Its going to be absolutely beautiful.

People boycotting the Blu Rays because of these changes is mind boggling to me. Your going to sacrifice amazing picture quality and sound over some alterations. I feel sorry for you, honestly. Fandom is about FUN! And all this complaining takes the fun out of it. Being a fan isnt a chore, or having to ¨put up with something¨. Its about being passionate about something you love.

But hey, thats just me...

4

Has it really been 4 months? Wow...

This pic has nothing to do with the blog. It just makes me laugh...

I never would have thought I would have lasted this long without going insane. And ironically it not because of alcohol. As long as I dont taste it Iĺl be fine. Its going this long without internet, playstation, being able to watch the shows I wanna watch. etc...

Since I get up so fuggin early these days I come into work about an hour early to use the internet. Though the time is brief it is enough to satisfy my undying thirst for social networking, blogging, and reading up on video games I probably wont be able to play til the end of the year.

This Friday not only marks the release of The Star Wars Complete Saga on Bluray, but also the hour long season 4 premiere of The Clone Wars. Oh yes. Sadly I dont have access to my Bluray player and I seriously doubt Im gonna be able to get the TV on Friday nights to watch a fucking cartoon. lol I had someone taping True Blood for me this season so maybe sheĺl also hook me up with some Clone Wars action.

I desperately want to get back into writing and one of my favorite things to do was write Clone Wars reviews for Fanboy Comics! If I cant get the episodes taped for me Im pretty sure they have them on the Website the day after they air so I can watch them before work.

I had one of those funny moments the other day where I had a random flashback to college. There was this girl Kimberly Clark who I was seeing for probably 2 or 3 days before my freshman year started. But her name kept haunting me. It was driving me up the wall. Where the hell had I heard that name before? Or was my mind just tricking me into thinking I did?

Nope, Im completely sane. The other day the name was staring me right in the face in the mens room. Kimberly Clark is the name of the toilet paper dispensers you see in rest rooms across the country. Poor girl has sick parents. Giving her a name people associate with making doodie.

I just now yelled at my co-worker for looking over my shoulder and reading my post as I was typing. Which is ironic considering the blog is open for anyone around the world to read and yet I throw a fit when he reads over my shoulder. Though the circumstances are different. I dont like my personal space invaded. Why would someone think thats a good idea anyway? Whatever. Its early and Im in a mood.

Welp time to get back to work!

Still going strong...

Hello all. I'm still going strong here. My computer access is extremely limited but today is my day off and I figured I'd swing by the library for a quick blog post.

Not having my computer with me at all times is definitely the hardest part of this whole situation. There's are dozens of times a day where I have so much I want to type out or blog about but I just don't have the time to get to the library.

As for life in recovery it's been fantastic. Alcohol has been the last thing on my mind for months. My head is clear, I'm up early every day, been exercizing a lot, and just feel all around amazing. My only problem has nothing to do with alcohol. It's not having the internet at my disposal at all times. Not being able to watch the things I want to on TV. The ability to watch a movie in complete silence without a barrage of room mate induced commentary pointing out every minute detail that flashes across the screen. Such details as The Hulk punching The Abomination in the face do not need to be brought to my attention every 3 seconds. My optometrist proscribed me glasses which enable me to enjoy the images projected on screen. It's a fasinating thing really. Though it is nice to know that if I were to suddenly go blind I would still know if Jason Statham won the Death Race or not.

I am going to have a crap load of television to catch up on when I'm done. Im super bummed that I can't watch Breaking Bad this season or Dexter when that starts up in October. It took me almost 3 months to watch Star Wars. Thats saying something! And don't even get me started on Anime. Good lord.

(Side note: The crazy person sitting next to me is mumbling all sorts of nonsense and staring at the computer in complete disbelief. The beginning of 2001 Space Oddysey comes to mind. If she starts clubbing the computer with a blunt object, I'm out)

What has been nice though is that without all the television to take up my time I have been doing a lot of reading. I finished The Hunger Games trilogy in about 2 weeks which was a great series! Also read Jurassic Park, Water for Elephants, and two True Blood books. Just can't seem to put them down.

I love where I'm at right now. I have met some amazing people and made a lot of great friends. Some I hope will still be friends with after all this is over.

Well the crazy lady has gotten on my last nerve and I can't concentrate while she's babbling incoherently. Til next time folks...

90 days sober this Wednesday!

The Return...

Did u notice I was gone? Probably not since I barely updated at all in 2011. Why u ask? Lets just say Under the Influence of Sean is not just a clever blog title. It was my life. I was drinking myself to oblivion. I was angry, depressed, sad, lonely, blah blah blah. All that jazz. But now my life has taken a complete 180.

I'm not going to go into much detail in this post because I'm at the library and my computer time here is limited. But I just wanted everyone to know that I'm alive, doing great, and will be 60 days sober this Saturday!

Hope to hear from u all soon

Oh good glavin!

Man it has been awhile! I feel bad for neglecting the blog for so long but things have been crazy for me lately. Dog, work, money, poor health, etc... Blogging is one of my favorite things so when I can't do it u know I'm busy lol.

For those who don't follow me on Facebook or Twitter u probably aren't aware that I FINALLY got to take my trip to Los Angeles and visit my old college buddy Jason. Not only that but my other good friend JC came to visit too! We had a friggin blast! And we stayed in Kevin Pollak's guest house...

Yes, Kevin Pollak, the actor/comedian...

LA was amazing and I got to meet not only Kevin, but all of the loyal followers of his chat show whom I have messaged and tweeted over the past year or so. They've felt like family to me through the interwebs and to finally meet them in person was truly amazing! I shall share a few pics of my trip...

Mickey Mouse Penthouse Suite in Disneyland. This was the bar :-D And Im drunk

Me, Jaime, Kevin Pollak, and Buffy actor Adam Bush!

Hollywood Blvd and The El Capitan!

The man, the myth, the legend. Oh... and Mickey!

Over 30 years ago 3 of my Gods placed their feet in this cement. I almost cried tears of joy...