Friday, June 29, 2012

This Job Would be Great if...

Here is where I will share some of the daily interactions my staff and I have with our customers...

This one is in regards to the glowing neon OPEN sign we have in the window...

Customer: I came here the other day and you guys were closed.
Coworker: Yeah we had to do maintenance on our machine for a few days.
Customer: But I saw the OPEN sign in the window.
Coworker: Wait, are you saying my employees left the OPEN sign ON over night?
Customer: No, it wasn't on. I just saw that it was in the window.
Coworker: It''s always in the window...

This one happens way more than it should...

Customer tries opening the door to the store but we don't open for another 30 minutes. They look at the store hours on the window sign, check their watch and notice they have 30 minutes til we open, yet continue to try to open the door.

(Try opening the door before the open. They will continue to try and open the door until I go unlock it and tell them we aren't open yet)
Me: I'm sorry, but we aren't open for another 30 minutes.
Customer: But your sign says you open at 10.
Me: Yes, and it's 9:30 right now.
Customer: *Stares blankly*
Me: That's in 30 minutes...
Customer: *stares blankly*
Me: You're 30 minutes too early...

This is a more recent one that has been occurring and probably one of my favorites because it just proves everything my coworkers and I have been saying for years...

A few months ago they had to take down the sign above our store. We still haven't received a new one so there's just a blank wall above our store. We put up a giant custom made sign in the window AND we still have the glowing neon open sign. And yet, I still get calls like this from the corporate headquarters...

Corporate: Have you guys just been not opening your store? Or opening late or something? We've been getting a lot of calls saying the store is closed.

Me: Alright, let me break this down for you. First and foremost, my coworker and I are here every single morning and we've never opened the store late. The reason people THINK we are closed is this. The sign above the store is missing. Instead of parking the car and checking to see if we are open they just ASSUME we are closed because there is no sign. ALSO, the majority of people who are calling you that we are closed are most likely people who arrive at the store an hour or 2 early when the store actually IS closed. So I can assure you that anybody who has complained that we aren't open is either too lazy to get out of their car to check if we're open OR doesn't grasp the concept that the store doesn't open upon their arrival. We have set hours.

That is one of my biggest pet peeves with the store. These people really, truly believe the world revolves around them and are downright befuddled when I explain the store does not open just because they want/need it to. This is not the way the world works...

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Letters from Rehab #5 Finale

So this is the last of the letters I had written but no worries. Reading over these has reminded me of a whole bunch of stuff I can share about in future posts.

Day 8
Welp, I've made it a whole week! Feel fantastic. Finally got to move into the dorms with a sweet lounge area and TV. Could have used that tv on Friday for the Smallville Series finale but no such luck. Still very bitter about that and will probably be pissed for quite sometime. I know it's silly but I love what I love and I love Smallville.

I got to use Star Wars quotes in one of our small 5 person groups the past 2 days in a row. Yesterday a guy said he would "try not to relapse when I leave" and I of course said "Do or do not there is no try." Hahaha My counselor was pleased with my response. Then today a woman mention her fear of relapse to which I said "fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." God I love being able to use Star Wars quotes and it actually has meaning. Now I'm just waiting for someone to say they wish they could play the Bongos again. In due time...

Day 9
Holy fuck. Last night the girl of my dreams joined the program. Ahhhhhhh. I'm telling you seeing these girls and not being able to touch flirt is criminal. Another really hot girl came in as well and in the first night she all ready got in trouble for flirting with some of the criminals. Now she has to stay 10 feet away from us guys, can't talk to us, for a week. 24 hours and she's already started crap. Luckily "my girl" (haha) doesn't seem like trouble. I know I can't even really talk to her but at least I know I have eye candy for the next few weeks. Somethings gotta give. I feel like I'm going to erupt like that dude from the first Scary Movie.

I just received Doug's # today so I will be giving a call tomorrow to chat real quick (10 min limit) and get ur address so i can send this novel.

-From the pee pee soaked heckhole,


-And there we have it. I should note I'm not referring to myself as a "pee pee socked heckhole" but that the location from which I am writing is a "pee pee soaked heckhole." Which is of course another Simpsons references that perfectly bookends the letters. Aaaaand scene!

-I remember being genuinely upset that I had missed Smallville. I had really wanted to try and sneak into the dorm to watch it but I didn't want to skip class. Cause skipping class is WRONG!

-What you can't see from these blog transcriptions of the letters is all the scratched out words from the original writing. One of the really noticeable ones is when I'm obviously trying to think of the word "context" when mentioning using the Star Wars quotes and all that comes out after several scratches is "and it actually has meaning." I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn't get the right words out.

So that's all we have for now. I will continue to share stories that I've now remembered through reminiscing. Basically an overall better feel of what the program was actually like, what we did, and all that stuff. So be on the look out for those.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Letters from Rehab #4

Almost for got to type this up. Though I'm glad I waited because now I'm downloading The Newsroom and this gives me something to do...

Day 7
Last day of detox! Tomorrow morning I move into the dorms, finally! I am so fucking pumped. During my downtime today I saw Jennifer goodbye (hot stuff!) and met her 6'4 huge ass husband. Good god he was scary. Later me and some of the crew sat by the lake and just chilled. We saw all these turtles, frogs, gophers, and the meanest bunch of geese you'll ever meet. The first day I got here the baby geese were so fucking tiny. 7 days later they are getting huge! Interested to see how big they get by the time I leave. We also caught a snapping turtle. Fucker was vicious!

I saw this line in my Alcoholics Anonymous book that I thought I would share...

"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others: hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead"

I hope I have in no way hurt any of you. I got out of control. Alcoholism is truly a disease and I hate it.

But in other news, tonight was pretty damn depressing. The night before people leave we have a class where we have a send off. It's really an emotional experience. Everyone gets up and tells their stories and some will just bring you to tears. I'm losing 4 of my good friends tomorrow and my best friend Anthony the day after. they are all older dudes which sadly I relate to more cuz these young kids are fucking punks. Talking to them is like talking to every kid I hated in high school. All they talk about is one-upping each other on who has done the most drugs. Fucking pathetic. And the criminals walk around like they own the place like the jocks did in school. Loud, obnoxious, get the fuck out of my way attitude. Not much you can do about it though! I feel bad for them, really.

We actually had 2 people escape yesterday! They made a break for it and haven't  been seen since. Funny thing is 5 minutes after they bolted we got hit bu a HUGE storm. Those poor bastards were running down the street in the pouring rain. I'm having a great time so I don't see why someone would want to leave. But as Anthony (Yoda) said "When your an addict and you need your shit you fucking will do anything to get it"

They were both coke heads who needed their fix. Craziness.

I'm sure I've mentioned at certain points the giant spider that's outside my condo EVERY year in the same place, who I dubbed Shelob (Lord of the Rings). Well I think she followed me here because she is perched outside my door as we speak. Right next to my bench I sit on every morning. My room mate suggest we find Samwise Gamgee and have him use Sting. No such luck..

-So her name was Jennifer! Haha! I knew I'd remember. (See last post)

-Finding all those wild animals was a cool experience. Reading it over now doesn't do it justice. My typing sounds childish, again, but this time it's fitting. Because at that moment I was seeing the world in a way I hadn't seen in two decades. With wide eyed enthusiasm and innocence.

I watched those baby geese grow everyday I was there. It was like some sick metaphor staring us right in the face the whole time, almost TOO perfect and TOO cliche. As if the staff had planned it all along because as they grew, we grew, and so help me God they actually took to the sky for the very first time the day before I left. Again, super cliche but 100% accurate.

-Yes, there really was an enormous snapping turtle and YES I did say "caught." My buddy Jason took it upon himself to pick it up, shortly after watching it snap a think stick in half in the blink of an eye. Yeah, bad idea.

-That "tornado" line from the AA Book still sticks with me today.

-The criminals really did walk around like they owned the place. And why shouldn't they? Going to prison was the equivalent to being on the football team in high school, ergo, they were "better" than us. Bear with me here as the dynamics of rehab are ass backwards. More on this in a future blog.

-Ahh the escapees. Yes this did happen, more often than not unfortunately. You have to understand that this place was in the middle of nowhere up by the mountains. We were not fenced in and could leave at any time. But there was NO PLACE TO GO. So if someone made a break for it, there wasn't anywhere for you to go for miles and miles. I do not envy the poor guys who escaped that day and got punished by that rain cause it was terrible.

-Now I'll explain Shelob. This is the spider that for many years, parked it's ass right outside the front door of my condo. Every year, when the weather started to get warmer, that monstrosity of an arachnid was blocking the very entrance to my home. MY HOME! (Seinfeld whine) In rehab, when I saw a similar spider in my heavily medicated state of mind, I was absolutely certain the beast had hunted me down to torment me.

That's all for now.

Monday, June 25, 2012

On The Interwebs, Nobody Can Hear You Scream...

No worries all, I will still be posting the latest Letters from Rehab later this evening but first there's something I wanted to share with you. Now that I'm back in the blogging mood, and I will be updating rather frequently as I find it very therapeutic, I was looking through all the new options that Blogspot has to offer. Something that always bothered me in the past is that I had no idea how many views I was getting and if anybody was really listening outside of the few comments on the blog itself and responses to the link on Facebook and Twitter.

Turns out, a lot more people were listening than I thought.

Blogspot added a counter that tallies all the views not only the site gets, but each individual post. Now before I had just added the "Cluster Map" function (which you can see on the right hand side of the blog) that shows where around the world people are "tuning in" to hear me ramble. Which by the way, was a real eye opener when I first saw that map. If you haven't seen it, check it out for yourself. If this was a game of Risk, I would be dominating.

Now where were we, ah yes, the new Page Views. I took it upon myself to scroll through old blog "data" and my jaw literally dropped at some of the numbers. Now remember, most of the old entries were courtesy of our old friend "Drunk Sean" and I'm glad he didn't have access to these numbers because I fear for what the world would have to hear from him. Not that it would have been anything really terrible, but I'm sure people would have had better things to read about then why "Haruhi Suzumiya is the greatest anime character" or how "Empire Strikes Back is clearly the best movie known to man" (The latter mainly because it's true and everyone is aware of this.)

So looking over the charts I see that the number one ranked blog I have written clocked in at just under 2,000 page views. It was about the Voice Actor Dee Bradley Baker, you can read it HERE, and his awesomeness on The Clone Wars series. Reading it now it's clear I'm just having fun and never really expected it to be seen by that many people, let alone 2,000. Had I been aware of this I probably would have found a more appropriate opening than "I have lost a total of 12 lbs in the month of April. Who wants to touch me?"

I can only assume those numbers exist because I took it upon myself to tag Dee Bradley Baker in the post on Twitter and he retweeted it. That's the only logical explanation I can think of. Which is an honor, truly, but dear lord I wish it had been a post actually worthy of a retweet. He probably thought it was praise from a wide-eyed, enthusiastic 14 year old. (Which, during my drinking days, I basically was. In mind not body).

But let's flash forward now shall we? Almost two years on the dot. With alcohol out of my life, and in a clear state of mind, I am now able to continue writing and sharing about the things that I love. Besides the blog, one of my favorite gigs is always writing pieces for my friend's website Fanboy Comics. They have given me more opportunities than I could possibly imagine (and I can imagine quite a bit) but I believe the happiest moment in my sober life was the chance to interview my voice acting hero, Mr. James Arnold Taylor.

And that is no exaggeration. I was beside myself. What I had thought was going to be a simple interview via the magic of email turned into a 13 minute audio response from the man himself. The girlfriend still makes fun of me for my initial reaction to listening to it for the first time. She said she had to check for vital signs and make sure I was still breathing.

But none of that would have been possible without the help of James' publicist, Consetta, who I have personally dubbed "The Sweetest Woman on the Planet." That's not even a joke you guys, she is literally the nicest women ever. We talk almost daily now on Twitter, so she's already aware of all this, but like I stated in my Kevin Smith/Jason Mewes blog, some people really don't know the effect they can have on someones life until they just come out and say it. It sounds cheesy but honestly, saying one nice thing to someone could completely change their day.

That's why I like to take the time out on the blog to do just that. Thank those who have helped me and inspired me to be a better person, whether they are aware of it or not.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Letters from Rehab #3

Alright, we are on to part 3. This one was fascinating for me to read again because it triggered a memory of someone I completely forgot. Which I will explain more afterwards...

Day 5
Normal morning, had breakfast, got my meds, and then there is a meeting. Everyone on campus had to take a piss test! (due to the girls getting kicked out last night). That took a few hours and made us miss a lot of class time so i don't give a shit. Overall has been a bizarre day because the schedule had to be shifted around so much. We got a lot more free time which fucking rocked. I'm in Study Hall right now as I write this because I finished all my homework. Go me!

Day 6
Woke up, got meds, and stood out on my balcony at 6am looking over the lake. It was beautiful. I've become very comfortable with this sleeping schedule. The day itself was fun/depressing. In the morning I noticed the cute girl running around the lake so I made my way down there and sat by this rock til she passed. We chilled and talked for a bit which was fun. She's married and has SEVEN fucking kids. Though it's a Brady Bunch situation, she only pumped out 3 herself. She's 35 too but she looks fucking 25. Unfortunately she leaves tomorrow so I'll have to find some other eye candy to look at during class. For someone I barely talked to and only knew for 5 days I'm really bummed she's leaving. I forget the term they called it in class but it's something like "Rehab Attachment." I'm also really upset because most of my "crew" is leaving in a few days, mainly my best bud Tony (Hey, Tony, hey). But everyone is already talking about exchanging numbers and emails. That way we can help each other through our addiction problems if need be.

Honestly guys, I'm so glad you organized this. It's just what I needed! The people are great, staff is awesome, and the scenery is pretty sweet. I wish we were allowed cameras though. You need pictures!

I'm pissed though because I should have been done with the detox building by now but they are saying I have two more days. Fuckers. By the time I move into the dorm 2 of my "best friends" will already be gone. 

It is absolutely mind boggling that I have gone this long without Facebook, Twitter, the internet in general, my PHONE, and video games. I finally have pay phone priviledges so I will be giving calls soon. I can only call on even days (Boys days) for 10 minutes at a time. Plus I need to call some other friends outside of "Our Group" who have no fucking clue where I am.

Wow, this one really surprised me. The girl that is mentioned in this entry and the entry prior is completely different from the girl I was thinking about. In fact, I had no memory of this girl until the moment I read "cute girl running around the lake" and everything came flooding back. I think her name might have been Jennifer but I'm not sure. As stated, we only knew each other 5 days but those 5 days feel like 5 weeks in rehab. Not in the sense that time drags on longer, but because you spend every waking hour with the same group of people from dawn until dusk. Depending on the people you decide to spend your time with this could be either really awesome or incredibly nauseating.

Looking back I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that my friend Tony left after only 7 days. It really, truly felt much longer than that at the time.

I described my writing in the previous entry as almost "child-like." As I read this letter I was reminded I was still on medication at the time. Even after being there several days we were still working hard to get all the poisons out of my body. So coupled with the medication, I remember being happy and feeling great, but also being emotionally damaged. There were so many things going through my head I'll probably share more about those times in a future post.

My "moaning" about having to stay in detox an extra 2 days only proves to me now how much I really needed it. 8 days in detox is NOT common. I realize now that their comments about missing my "winning personality" and explaining "we just don't want you to ever leave us" was their polite way of telling me, "you still need more help." Bless their hearts though, they really did make me feel welcome.

And for those who couldn't pick up on what was clearly a "Hey, Tony, Hey" Seinfeld reference, here it is...

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Letters from Rehab #2

Wow, I am overwhelmed with the positive feedback I've received from just the first entry! I had a feeling people would dig it and as soon as I posted it I couldn't wait to starting typing up the second one. I need to point out in the last one, the only time I wrote an actual date I ended up writing "11/12/11" which is completely wrong. It should have been 5/12/11. I don't know if that was just a simple mistake or if my recovering brain really had absolutely know idea what date it was. I wouldn't put it past myself if I truly had no clue, but it was enough for me to sit back and think about it.

Also, I don't know how accurate the "Days" are. Everything is kind of a jumbled mess of thoughts so don't put too much thought into when exactly these events happened.

Some of this is hard to read again. I come off as a child a lot (more so than usual) in the sense that I seem so incredibly innocent. Like a kid writing his parents from summer camp. Everything is very "to the point" and you can tell there are things I am trying to express but I can't find the words to properly say it. I think this is when I really start you just let it all out.

It was really hard not to correct the spelling errors, now matter how much Spell Check egged me on.

That said, I bring you part 2...

Day 4:
Wake up feeling great today. Busy as fuck though. I've realized these past few days how out of place I am. I think I'm the most innocent person here. Although I have a bunch of friends, almost every single person here has done every fucking drug known to man. Seriously. I'm the only one who has JUST an alcohol problem. They sit and talk about the times they had been in prison, all the heroin, crack, LSD, and all that shit. I've even seen some of the most disgusting track marks on people's arms. 

I am so out of my element. Ha ha.

Oh man the stories I could tell you. I've had to leave the group sometimes because the stories are just too gross. Abusing family members, car crashes, overdoses, you name it I've heard about it. Luckily I hang with the crowd that "isn't as bad" as any of that. Whats funny is in out group we have a guy that looks like Sam Rockwell, another Seth Rogan (complete with laugh) and the new guy that looks like Jerry O'Connell. Scary! It's kinda sad though cuz a lot of my buddies are checking out soon. It feels like I've known them forever. The cool news is that I've been doing so well they might be giving me a "little brother" How cool is that?

-So we are in Study Hall right now as I write this. BORING! And my "girlfriend" just walked in. Just kidding. Boys and girls aren't allowed to interact here at all. Everything is kept separate. My guess is to no distract us.  Doesn't mean I can't look "WINK WINK" but this girl is sooo beautiful. They even split the class room in half but I always make sure to get to class early so I can sit accross the aisle from her. Girls are an addiction too!

Today we had a class about Family Disfunction. She described the 4 types of children. Tell me is this seems familiar...

Family Clown- Takes others before him. Is fragile, needs attention, suffers from lonliness and depression. Doesn't handle stress. Always goes for the "good girl" type. Uses alcohol to either "get off stage" or to "improve his act"

The other one that struck me was...

Lonely Child- Lives in a fantasy world. Very quiet. Day dreams a lot. Very artistic talents such as painting and music. Has a unique interest in animals. Uses alcohol for power and confidence, esspecially in social situations.

And fuuuuuuuuuuuuuusion!

-Today I gained a new room mate here in the ol detox room. I thought the dude was dead for a while because he slept all fucking day in the same position. 

He has finally awoken! Apparently he's a heroin addict. I SMELL A SITCOM!!

We had a brief conversation, he passed out again for awhile, wake up and introduced himself again like we had never met before. Craziness. Best part, he snores. Just when I was started getting good nights of sleep.

UPDATE: Later at night before bed we heard all this comossion ( I cant spell) while me and some guys were chilling on the bench outside my room smoking. Apparently the new girl brought PCP onto the grounds and her and two other girls got busted! 10 minutes later an van pulls up and hauls their asses out. They were kicked out of the program. Which leads us to...

Did I really end this on a cliffhanger? Who leaves a letter with a cliffhanger? Major props to myself for that one.

I'll make a few comments before I wrap this up...

1) Those guys in my group really did resemble those celebrities, it was almost uncanny. Especially "Seth Rogan", I mean the laugh alone was a DEAD ringer. And although I didn't mention it in the letter, I'm assuming it was implied that I was the other celebrity in the group, Edward Norton.

2) My "girlfriend" was super hot. Cutest little heroin addict you ever did see. I haven't thought about her until I read this again. I might have said 5 words to her the whole time we were there. 4 of those words were when we were in the same van together leaving the grounds forever.

3) I talk about my room mate looking almost dead and not remembering us talking. Sadly, I would have been the same way had I not been thrown into a room all by myself because I needed "special attention" I was told later by the nurses that I never remembered anything they did or said, which isn't surprising.

Well that's all for now. Part 3 will probably be posted tomorrow...

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Letters From Rehab #1

While I was in rehab I had planned to write back home to my friends as often as I could. Once I became aware of just how busy they kept us in rehab I kept putting it off. So instead I wrote a journal of sorts which I would compile into a big letter to send my friends. Since I have been expressing myself more openly lately about my sobriety I thought it might be fun to share some, if not all, of the letters. Instead of typing them all up at once I figured I'd share a few "entries" every few days or so. The damn thing is 11 pages long so I doubt anyone would sit through the whole thing at once.

These are unedited. Spelling errors, slang, and all. I can't even quote Simpsons properly which saddens me.

And with that, I give you Rehab Sean...

NOTE: If I repeat things it's cuz I've been writing over several days.

Dear Toolbags,

I hope this letter finds you well. I will never have to see hell because I have been to Kamp Krusty.

Just kidding. But in all honesty please forgive my handwriting because I'm still going through detox. My hands are still a bit shaky but it was MUCH worse the first day. I'm still getting Valuum which is rad. Day 1 I spent 18 hours in a room alone with no technology at all. And I mean NOTHING. The only reading material I had was the bible. It was a fantastic 18 hours...

Day 2 still in detox but I was able to finally go outside granted I was in a wheelchair and under supervision at all times. Gee fun fun. Good news is I was feeling better. Later once I had enough energy I was able to wander on my own. I was in no mood to talk to anyone and just sat by a lake a stared. (Side note, just now this dude came to my door to check to see if I was in my room because it's "Lock Down." Mind you, it's 10 fucking 30! Lights go out at 11) You also can't bring in outside electronics so no Nintendo DS, ipod, NOT EVEN my books and magazines! You can imagine the insanity it's been for me.

11/12/11 Day 3 (today) Woke up feeling much better. I was able to go off on my own. And since I didn't feel like shit I went off in search for some friends. And I found a bunch. It was also the first day of my class. That's right, 6am-10pm is all work with few breaks for food and down time. I even have homework. Gyuuuuuhhhh....

They have plenty of activities, none of which I care about (basketball, vollyball, horseshoes). So me and my new friends sit and watch the "jocks" act gay and laugh at them. Also, no one told me I would be staying at a place with recovering convicts! I swear! lol But it's cool, they have their own little area to chill (the floor under mine). But to be serious, as of today things have gotten so much better. Also, I don't have my cell phone so I the only number I have is my aunts. I can't make a call til tomorrow so all have her forward the message to you so I can get ur address and actually mail this thing to you guys.

Fuck, time for lights out (11:00). Talk to you guys soon!

                                                                                                           The Hat

P.S. They set alarms on the doors at 11:00 so I can't escape! ha ha ha

It's bizarre going back and reading these. My friends were happy to read that I was able to keep my sense of humor through all this. Reading it now there's stuff I want to edit and change but that would take away from this. This isn't just for me. This is for anyone reading who feels they have a problem too.

So that's all for now. Probably post another one tomorrow. Hope you enjoyed...


This is why I love the internet. Last week a friend of mine was retweeting an obsessed Justin Beiber fan on Twitter. This girl is an absolute riot. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and this is not a jab at her liking Justin Beiber, I'm just posting this because it's hilarious and at times, even a bit scary.

If I had to choose between killing my family or Justin Bieber, I would probably kill my family... 

Justin Bieber is much bigger than Kurt Cobain, so shut up. Did Kurt Cobain ever have the biggest fanbase on Twitter? NO.

My World, My World 2.0, Believe and Miley Cyrus' I Can't Be Tamed are the only iconic albums released in the last 10 years. RIP music.

Believe is a masterpiece and if you think any album by Michael Jackson is better than Believe, you're delusional.

WHO THE FUCK EVEN IS KURT COBAIN? Stop spamming me, idiots. As if you even knew who Kurt Cobain was before Bieber mentioned him... -__-

LOL at people saying Freddie Mercury was a great role model and Bieber is not. You know Freddie was gay and had AIDS right?

Kurt Cobain (some rock singer) died in 1994, the same year Justin Bieber was born. RT if you think Bieber is Kurt reincarnated!

I love Michael Jackson, but saying Michael was bigger than Justin Bieber is now just makes you look dumb.

This is why I HATE Kurt Cobain and his flop band. So fucking unprofessional, I'm happy you died! 

And that's only a handful of her posts. But that was last week. Turns out word has spread and now shit is intense.

Somebody leaked my number. I'm getting tons of texts. Great, gotta change my number and my dad will probably kill me.

I'm trending in Singapore, they hate me. They suck! :)

I have to deal with e-mails like this EVERY DAY. Thank God my swag can handle it! I get more fan-mail anyway :)

And then my personal favorites. I'm not religious by any means but wow...

Jesus ain't real. If he was, cancer wouldn't exist. Bieber is real and he donates money to cancer funds all the time. Such a hero <3

I hope Illuminati are real so they can kill all the brainwashed Christians and muslims in the world. They just spread hate anyway

Christians really annoy me. The Bible is some science fiction shit about a fag with superpowers. HOW can people even believe it's real?

Great, now religious people are mad. GOD IS NOT REAL. Idiots. If he was, then explain why cancer and poverty exists?

God doesn't care about starving kids in Africa, or people with cancer. Justin visits hospitals and donates money to help them. Who's better?

All in all, in a few years, this poor girl is going to be a complete mess. I'm embarrassed of some of the shit I liked when I was 13, but I didn't broadcast it online for the whole world to see. And while I don't give two shits about Beiber, I'm interested to know what he thinks about deranged fans such as this.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Mewes/Smith Effect

I owe my sobriety to my friends and family. Plain and simple. If it wasn't for their intervention I wouldn't be the man I am today. As stated in my last blog I would thank them every day if I could, but I'm sure they'd get tired of hearing it. I think my progress speaks volumes and that I often hear "I'm honestly not too worried about you relapsing" means I must be doing something right.

This blog however is a sort of thank you to those who are less aware of the influence they've had on my recovery. Mr. Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith, Jay and Silent Bob themselves. You might be asking yourself, "Those two stoner guys from the movies?" Yes, those guys. For those unfamiliar, Mewes battled his own demons and has now been in recovery for over 2 years. That, my friends, is the guy I look up to. If Mewes can do it, than I can too.

I'm going to back track for a second to explain the impact these two had on my life. Kevin Smith is the reason I went to film school. Everything I wrote and filmed in high school was so obviously influenced by him (or as others might have said "ripped off") because as myself and a slew of other young aspiring film makers who saw Clerks thought, "Hey, I can do that!" So long story short, Kevin Smith shaped me into the man I am today. At the age of 16 I no longer felt embarrassed for my love of comics and Star Wars. I embraced it.
Here I am pushing 30 and people still associate me with my love of all things geek.

I unfortunately never got to finish film school, having to move back home to take care of my terminally ill mother, but had always hoped to go back someday. Unfortunately after she passed away, I started drinking again and as the years progressed it just got worse and worse.

While listening to some "Jay and Silent Bob Get Old" podcasts recently, I was suddenly hit with not only inspiration from their words, but also memories of my dark times. I remembered the times where my drinking had reached it's boiling point. I knew I needed help, but fuck it if I was going to ask for it. If I asked, then my beloved poison would be taken away from me. The sick irony of it all is that I would be curled up on my couch in the fetal position some nights, shivering uncontrollably and often crying, with my ipod listening to "Jay and Bob Get Old" and hearing Mewes talk about not only his horror stories but also the benefits of sobriety. I felt inspired by his words and yet while he was talking about how great sober life was treating him, and how much I desperately wanted that for myself, I continued to pound shots of vodka through tear soaked eyes and trembling hands.

I couldn't stop. I WOULDN'T stop.

Typing those words is just as hard as remembering the events themselves. The reason I feel more comfortable talking about it today is because I am not that person anymore and I never want to be that person anymore. These days I'm listening to "Jay and Bob Get Old" and actually enjoying the fact that I'm sharing this experience with Mewes as well. Ya see, it wasn't until I read Kevin's book Tough Shit, that he mentions that "Jay and Bob Get Old" is actually a means of helping Mewes sobriety. I never put this together when I was a drunk but now I completely understand. This is a way for Mewes to talk about his past and share with the world the horrors of addiction while being entertaining at the same time.

This is his therapy. And he's sharing it with all of us.

That's when I really sat back and thought about myself. I have always been vocal on the internet. I never shut up (again, Smith influenced), so once I entered recovery I didn't want that to change. If I was vocal about my sobriety then people could see how much I have changed and how much better I'm doing. And most important of all, hearing all the support.

One of the first things I did after getting out or rehab, besides calling friends and family, was private messaging Mewes on Twitter and letting him know I was clean. Over the course of my first year I would message him several times and thank him for being an inspiration, and each and every time he would congratulate me and then thank me.

Thank me? Why would he thank me? I didn't do anything.

While I didn't understand at the time, I completely get it now. We, the recovering addict, love hearing that we're going well. So when I would thank him for being an inspiration, he would always say "no, thank YOU. keeps me strong." And he's absolutely right. It keeps us strong hearing those words.

While Mewes is my sober inspiration, Kevin is my vocal inspiration. To share my story. It's my time to give back to the sober community and share my stories for those who need the help. I would normally be nervous getting up in front of a crowd of people but during my one year celebration, I took the podium and just started talking. It didn't take long to feel incredibly comfortable, and to be honest, powerful. I thought of Kevin up on stage telling all his amazing stories at Q&A's and wanted to do that myself.

So thats why I'm writing this today. This is for them. Because if I've learned anything in sobriety it's how much you can really effect someone's day just by saying something nice.

I told a friend I was going to write this, an open thank you letter to Mewes and Smith, and his first reaction was to ask, "Why, they will probably never read it?"

To which I responded, "Why not?" and basically quoted back to him everything Kevin said in his book about how the world is filled with too much "WHY". Reading those words hit me really hard and actually hearing them even more while watching "Burn in Hell." My fun loving mentor had turned from joke master to Jedi Master, spouting Yoda like inspirational words about "why not" and recounting the death of his father. This was a lot for me to take in, recalling my own mothers death, but in a positive way. It got me to start writing again.

And when I say writing, I mean a lot.

So I'll wrap with that. This letter is for Mewes and Smith, who will maybe someday read this and know how much of an impact they have had on my life.

11 months sober and counting...

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

One Year Sober

I haven't fully given up on the blog. Not yet at least. And it's not really because I don't have anything to say. It's more I don't have enough time to do so. That is one of my biggest "problems" in sobriety.

I don't have enough time in the day to do the things that I want.

Pretty rough, right? That's what I honestly tell people and it's true. Sure, not drinking is an incredibly difficult task that I have to face every single day but the way I deal with it is by constantly keeping my mind occupied. Video games are obviously the biggest distraction. All I wanted to do when I was drinking was take shots and play Playstation. But where is the fun in that when you are too incoherent to actually enjoy it?

Easy answer. It's not.

Same goes for movies. A lot of the films I watched back then I am rewatching pretty much for the "first" time. It is incredibly painful to think of those times. So my motto is to always focus on the positive. Few people have survived as long as I have in recovery, which is completely disconcerting, but the more you dwell on that the less likely you are to succeed. The odds are stacked against us from the very beginning. The one thing that has been a constant in you life for how ever long, in my case over a decade, is stripped from you. Done. Gone. No more. That's is SO hard to accept when you really think about it. The fact that alcohol will never again, not once, enter my body of my own free will was a lot to take in when I first started this journey.

But again. Positivity.

And one of the biggest keys to my success is a strong support system. If you don't have that, shit is gonna be rough. If I had my way I would call each and every one of my friends and family every single morning, the moment I awoke, and thank them for getting me the help I needed. Because if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be where I am right now. I knew I needed help, but in my addicted state of mind if I got the help I needed I would lose the very thing that was destroying me. And that's how we, as addicts, think. We are petrified of the fact that what is literally killing us from the inside will be stripped from our lives forever. It's a sick mentality to have, but guess what, we're sick people.

I celebrated one year sober on May 10th of this year, just under a month ago. Every day was leading up to that moment and the closer I got the more I heard others had hadn't. As of a few months ago, I am the only one out of my group of rehab friends to not relapse. That was rough to hear. But you know what isn't rough? Hearing all the support from friends and family via phone calls, texts, Facebook, and Twitter.

Which brings me to why I started writing this post. I got a private message from a "friend" on Facebook. This person took it upon themselves to complain that I talk about my sobriety too much, that it's obnoxious, that I'm rubbing it in people's faces, etc. So first of all, let me state that this person is someone I don't even really know, I had no idea how we were even connected until I checked our "mutual friends" and found it's just some dick I shared an online connection with. We were never really friends to begin with and obviously their opinion means nothing to me. He was also promptly "de-friended" which in these times is the social equivalent of two 10 years old saying "I don't wanna play with you anymore." Who cares. Move along.

If this was coming from a close friend I would have been hurt. But it wasn't. And not only that, I don't think anyone ever would because I don't think what this dude said was true. I am in no way shoving sobriety down anyones throat. I'm merely expressing what it has done for me. That's it. And when I do post it's usually just to announce that I've completed another month or whatever. I do know of people in recovery who believe that now that they are sober they are better than those who aren't. I am not one of those people. I don't preach on Facebook that since I don't drink than you shouldn't either. That's not how this works.

I don't do it because it's simply not true.

I am the one with the problem. Not you.

Me, myself, and I. (Well, and the plethora of other alcoholics and addicts out there but you get what I mean)

So when somebody says something like this dude said, it frustrates me a bit. If that's how it came across to him than I apologize because honestly that wasn't my intention.

I won't, however, apologize for being happy. Because that's all my posts really are. I'm happy with my life. I haven't been happy in God knows how long. At least 5 years since my mother passed away, that's for certain. But things are different now. My outlook on life has completely changed.

But that one jerkoff aside, I do feel I should mention the other private messages I receive online. Shortly into my stint in recovery I would get messages from people who were actually coming to me for help and asking for advice. "When did you know you had a problem cause I might have one too" and things like that. At that point in my life, I didn't feel I was at the right stage of my recovery to be giving out advice so I simply recommended they check out some AA/NA Meetings. But I am glad they came to me.

Flash forward to a year later and I still have people asking except now I feel I can actually help. And those who ask know I will pretty much drop anything I am doing at that moment and listen. Because they are doing what I was always too afraid to do. To just ask for help. And thats a bigger step than most think.

So with that, I want to thank everyone in my life that has helped me get to where I am today. Maybe next post I will talk about my actual celebration or maybe we'll flash back to the rehab days and give you all a glimpse into that world.

Thank you