Last night was a pretty cool night. My sponsor celebrated one year of sobriety and it really got me to thinking.
This whole program is about me bettering myself. I have to look out for Sean. Its been a rough road but every day just feels better and better. I said a few weeks ago in a meeting that what I really want out of the program is to get my life back together. While this is true I realized that thats not all I want.
I want my life back, and more.
They way I feel now is like nothing I have ever experienced. My head is clear. I feel alive for the fist time in over a decade. Am I going to miss drinking? Hell yes. It was nice to kick back and relax after a stressful day and have a few drinks. But I CANT have a few drinks. Its absolutely impossible for me to control it. Theres a famous saying we have in recovery. ¨One is too many and 1000 is never enough¨
Truer words have never been spoken.
I am not a normal person. I hate referring to it as a disease but it is. I cant drink like normal people. I cant drink to have fun. I can only drink to get drunk. Every time. If I dont have any alcohol whatsoever I am completely fine. But if I have a breakdown and take just one little drink then that is it. My downfall. And theres no coming back from it.
At least I understand this. Most people out there dont. There are very few people I have met in the program who are doing it for the first time like I have. Many have relapsed in the past and have been doing this off and on for years. I dont want that to be me. Im in it for the long run. And there are several reasons.
First and foremost I am doing this for myself. I have to. That is in no ways a means of sounding selfish, its just fact. If I cant get ME together, then whats the point?
Secondly, and this is constantly going through my mind, is letting down everyone that I have already let down once before. I cant change my past. I cant take back all the fuck ups I did. Alcohol turned me into a waste of life. No longer was I a productive member of society. I was a piece of shit wasting away my days feeling sorry for myself because I had been taken over by this demon that was trying so hard to kill me ever so slowly every day.
No normal human being would continue to do something OVER AND OVER that was obviously destroying the very fiber of their being, if they didnt have a problem. We just cant stop. Just a mere 4 months ago you wouldnt have been able to get me to admit any of this. But look where we are right now. My life has mostly been an open book when it comes to blogging, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Im not shy about it. So I have made it my business to do the same for sobriety. Im not embarrassed. Because Im trying to make up for all I have done wrong.
If I take that drink then I lose. Everything I have worked so hard for will go right down the drain. And I dont want to sound like people would be EXPECTING me to fail, but thats how I sometimes feel in my mind. Im doing this for me, but also for all my loved one. My friends and family who have been there to support me even though I didnt really feel that I deserved it. I cannot. No WILL NOT fail in their eyes.
Im sick of being weak. I want control. I have a ridiculous amount of potential that was being pushed off to the side to make room for alcohol. All this potential is going to be unleashed onto the world. I fear for you all!
But I digress. All these thoughts poured out last night at my sponsors celebration. Seeing him receive his one year chip, all the friends and family there for support, was just awesome. It made me think about how I cant wait for my one year celebration, 8 months from now.
Ive met some amazing people in recovery. Some of which I hope will be friends for life.
Crap, gotta cut this short, could have gone of for pages but time to leave work!
Til the next episode...