So today I knew I had a long day ahead of me at work so I mentally prepared myself to have a lot of fun albeit at the expense of one of my new employee's. It's nothing mean or rude or anything like that towards him. No, what's fun to me is just fucking with someone without them even knowing that I'm messing with them.
Often times when there is a new employee, usually a younger high school kid who doesn't know any better, I slip into a certain "character" when I work with them. This character doesn't have a name. This character is me. The only difference is that it's an extremely ignorant version of myself. I love pretending I'm ignorant. Don't ask me why, I just find it incredibly hysterical. Luckily I have acting skillzzzz which enable me to keep a straight face even during the most ridiculous of conversations. What follows is a series of vignettes of my time today with one of our new hires, Danny.
Listening to Black Eyed Peas "Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night"
Me: You know, tonight IS going to be a good night!
Danny: Oh yeah?
Me: Of course. There is a special on Doctor Who tonight on BBC America at 9:00. Then after that is the Nerdist Show on Time Travel. I'm fucking pumped. *singing* Cause tonight's gonna be a good, good niiiight!"
Danny: I thought you were gonna say you were gonna have sex tonight.
Me: *serious* What the fuck did you just say to me?
Danny: That's what this song is about. It's about people having sex.
Me: I do believe you are wrong, sir.
Danny: What?! You don't think the song is about them sitting at home watching Doctor Who, do you?
Me: Of course not, don't be ridiculous! The Black Eyed Peas are smart enough to enjoy the genius that is Doctor Who.... No, I'm sure they're singing about watching themselves on MTV Cribs.
Danny: "Let's live it up. I got my money" That's about buying whores.
Me: Noooooo, it means they are going to splurge and indulge in some Pay-Per-View. A Boxing Match, perhaps?
Danny: Are you kidding me?
Me: Are you kidding ME? I think you have sex on the brain, my friend. You are reading way to deep into this.
Danny: Why would anybody write a song about staying home and watching television?
Me: Why wouldn't someone write a song about watching television? It's peaceful, it's relaxing, it's a fucking delight!
(Break from arguing to help customer and as soon as the door shuts I get right back into it.)
Danny: Movel Tov!
Me: What's your point?
Danny: How does it fit in with your "watching TV theory?"
Me: I'll have you know I have a number of Jewish friends that love to watch television.
Danny: You're serious, aren't you?
Me: Danny, if there's anything you'll learn from working with me, it's that I'm always serious.
Some Selena Gomez song...
Danny: You can't tell me you like this.
Me: Selena Gomez has the voice of an angel
Danny: The voice of a--
Me: Shhh! You don't speak while Selena is speaking...
*For you Seinfeld fans, I basically acted like Elaine's boyfriend Brett who was obsessed with the song "Desperado"*
And here are just the random things I would spout out in response to his criticisms...
"Vanessa Carlton has more talent in her pinky than all the tool bags of Linkin Park combined"
"Colbie Caillat is a dream! How dare you!"
"Demi Lovato is the Pat Benatar of this generation!"
"This is the original 'rapcore!'" In reference to "Bye Bye Love" by The Cars
"You are out of your fucking mind if you think Linkin Park is better than Carly Rae Jepsen."
"Who doesn't go GAGA for Lady GaGa?"
"I'll have you know listening to JoJo got me through some really difficult times in my life."
There were more but I can't even remember. I had about 2 extra large coffee's today and an Energy Drink so I was pretty off the wall. Poor kid was stunned I had a response for everything he threw at me but hey, I gotta get my kicks somehow, right?