Monday, September 3, 2012

Bad Thoughts

A few months back it was brought to my attention that out of all the friends I had made in rehab, I was now the only one who hadn't relapsed. That was a tough pill to swallow as it only proved to me how much the statistics are stacked against us. The hardest was hearing about my best friend relapsing. Luckily, he immediately went back into treatment as is doing fine now, but it was still rough to hear.

I hadn't heard from him in months until this morning. He went into more detail about his relapse and what all had happened. Apparently he had gone to a wedding. He didn't have anything while he was there but it had put ideas in his head. That maybe, just maybe, things would be different now that he had a year of sobriety. That maybe he could handle just a few drinks. Here is a summary of what he said to me...

"It was so fucking stupid man. I can't even believe I thought it was possible. You know how they say alcoholism is a progressive disease? You really don't consider how accurate that is until you relapse. After all the time I spent sober I stupidly thought maybe a few drinks wouldn't hurt me but fuck man, I couldn't have been more wrong. It was like nothing had changed and I was back to EXACTLY where I left off. Only worse. I'm fucking disappointed in myself, dude. Don't you EVER think you can handle it because you can't. WE can't. I had to learn the hard way..."

The timing of his phone call was impeccable. Last night during the Breaking Bad season finale there was a commercial for Ciroc vodka that just made my mouth water. All it was was a bunch of celebrities partying and having a great time. It just looked like so much fun and made me miss those wild and crazy times. Plus, Diddy was in the commercial and as everyone knows I, as a fellow Sean, have an enormous respect for Diddy. Who doesn't want to be like Diddy? He calls him self Diddy for Christ's sake, I mean, what could be cooler? Diddy is the epitome of cool...

*end sarcasm*

Where were we? Ah yes. So the commercial really did make me crave vodka. As I sat and watched my mind began to wander and my thoughts became just like my friend's thoughts...

"I am doing so well! I have never felt better in my life. Maybe things will be different now. Maybe, say, in a few years, I'll be able to drink like a normal person again. And have fun partying like my good friend Mr. Diddy."


Sure, these were just thoughts and I would never act on them but it was incredible to me that the night I have these thoughts I get a call the very next morning basically slapping me in the face and saying, "No. Don't even think it. Bad." But I do like how my brain was smart enough to say "maybe in a FEW YEARS." Like you aren't really ready now but in a few years you'll be strong enough.

What a crock of shit.

This made me take a look back to when I was first sober. Back when mom was sick. I stayed sober for 20 months, the difference that time being I didn't go to AA Meetings as I always knew I was going to drink again. I was absolutely shocked that first night I started drinking again and became aware that my tolerance had not changed in the slightest. I still needed copious amounts of alcohol in order to even feel a buzz, even after not drinking for over a year! So when my friend mentioned today alcoholism as being "progressive" my mind immediately went back to the last time I was sober. It's true what they say and I've already experienced it without even knowing.

I have to always remember...

"Alcoholism and addiction are progressive diseases, and unless the user stops completely, the disease will always worsen in severity over time. The intensity of this progression varies considerably, and while some people may drink or drug for many years before things get noticeably worse, they ultimately always do."

1 comment:

bluedrakon said...

It seems so easy to talk ourselves into doing things we know is wrong. The logic seems so sound when we first review it in our head. But we know how it usually always ends - no control and the ends always never seem to be justified.

We are all proud of the accomplishments you have made since you started your sobriety. Never Surrender - Never Give up!